2nd Book Review : The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fvck by Mark Manson
Ah finally, my God. I took a lot of time for this book.
Before new year, this 2nd book review is dedicated to every one who has struggled in pandemic years. No matter what your struggle is, against yourself and learn to deal with yourself. Every inspiration, wisely advice that i find in the books will take my time to overthinking first before going ahead to reading.
Long story short, this is the second most populous book i’ve read so far. I would like to put a highlighter on almost all sentences and every sheet. I was so curious about the original meaning of this book so decided to get the original book version. And i feeling grateful for it.
Well, I believe that many of my friends have read this book. The second book is "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fvck" by Mark Manson.
Do you realize that sometimes we read life's motivation and we think that before being told we already know and have thought about it or even read/listen so often. I mean motivation that we hear from motivators/read is randomly found in conversations every day. When reading this book in the first chapter, every message that was wanted to be conveyed seemed to confirm what in my mind. But after reading and digging into half of the book i started to feel like it slapped me. I am the type of person who is very ignorant and tends to be more insensitive, especially for things that are not important to me. And also i am the type of person who is not good at negotiating. If you say no, i will accept it even though it’s hurting. Without trying first. I sometimes think i am the type of person who gives up easily or ignorant (negative side) a.k.a surrender (for negotiating).
This book has made me understand that "giving a fvck" that is meant is not giving a fvck that i have been known. Giving a fvck here is if u want something then fight for it, don’t care u are ambitious, don’t care if other people have tried and they failed so they told u about their failure. Just keep doing it and find the lack by your own and try again with your own method, don’t care what people think about your ambition. This is another kind of message, don't give up easily but more than that. Don’t care if at last you will fail, the important thing is that you have tried and if it ended u dont get what u fight for at least u've tried.
The moment i read this book was when i was in a demotivating phase of my life because of a loss, and i needed quite a bit of time to settle my life again from last plan. This book is like spare ammunition when all spare ammunition is used up.
Many examples are told, When you feel hopeless with your life (feel not as happy as other people), Unemployment and difficult to get a job, Couple break up and feels like hundreds of punches in your heart, alcoholics who have no hope for the future, loyality to a leader who is pointless and meaningless, nomadic and learn to adjust to a new culture in search of happiness.
For me, reading this book is like reading the Bible. If you want to meditate on a verse, you need to read the before and after verses and the context needs to be understood. So you can't just read and accept what you read in a certain section.
Here are some things that interest me and i will sharing my experience by reading " The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fvck" by Mark Manson.
1. Don't try
The author Mark Manson describes don't try with a saying in Texas "The smallest dog barks the loudest." A confident person doesn't feel a need to prove that he is confident. If you are rich you don't need to convince to people if you are rich. In fact, if you really try to show other people who you are, it will become clearer that in reality you are not what you want to show. U can't control what people think about you. So, let them be.
Do you realize it? The more we try to show that we are good people, we are great, we are happy, we are richer, the more we look not that. So don't try. Just be who you are. If you are angry just show it, if you are sad, it is okay to cry. But don't forget to try live the reality. The world won't stop to waiting for you. Not give a fvck here is daring to accept and face every harsh lifes deals us cards and when it is not in line with our hopes/plans and dare to take action on our decisions on that reality. If you may quote one of the Korean drama titles "It's Okay To Not Be Okay"
2. Happiness is a problem
In this section the thing that interests me the most is “choose your struggle.”Every decision you made in your life is your struggle.
- You choose to wander, it's your happiness and it's also your struggle. You choose to fight for something important and lose a lot of time to spent with your family
- You choose to sacrifice your dreams for the more important things that are also your struggle and your happiness
- You choose not to wander so that you have a lot of time with family that you choose and that is your happiness and your struggles
- You choose to early marriage and lose time having fun with yourself is your happiness and your struggle
- You choose to having fun with yourself and delayed marriage, that's your happiness and struggle
- You choose not to have children after marriage, that's your happiness and your struggle
- You choose to have children after marriage with a certain number or a certain gender, it's your happiness and it's your struggle
- You choose to be a housewife, it's your happiness and it's your struggle
- You choose to be a career woman and being a housewife it’s also your happiness and struggle
- You choose to lost your time with family to workhard to feeding them it's also your happiness and struggle
No one in this world forces you to choose your way of life. You choose it with various considerations. So be happy and enjoy your struggle process. Therefore, no one can compare a person's happiness based on personal experience. People who choose not to wander does not mean that they are happier than those who do not. People who don’t have children are not necessarily unhappy than people who already have children after marriage. Unmarried people are not necessarily as unhappy as those who are married. We only have different priorities over time and you only need to be grateful for what you have. And be responsible for your every decision so it will be your integrity.
3. You are not special
As i explained in the second part, everyone has different priorities. So don't act like you are the truest, the most suffering, the most special, you are the most unhappy, etc. Because everyone's values are the same. In this book, explained that someone's appreciation is not from how their positive experiences are but from their negative experiences. You don't have to hide your worst side to look good to people because the more you try to be special the more you suffer from your bad side and you can't even accept your bad side. Sometimes someone thinks they are too special to deserve something without even trying. Sometimes people feel the most suffering without looking around them and being grateful for what they have is the hope of some people. We are not special so accept the bad and the good in yourself and do something about it. Be happy and enjoy the way of life we have chosen. Simple friendships, reading books, ignorant couple, laughing with loved ones, sharing, taking care of children, work complicated jobs, falling in love, heartbreaking, annoying couple, struggling to make up in a relationship and so on.
4. The value of suffering
In this part, Mark Manson tells the story of someone who was rejected from his band the night before signing a contract to become a big rock band that later formed a worldwide rock band. But what interests me the most is the shitty values section. The author states these values are:
- Pleasure is a false god. The author says that enjoyment is the most superficial form of gratification and if we focus on it we end up worrying. I thought that what kind of pleasure is our focus? Pleasure after completing a big challenge by putting a lot of effort on it is different from the pleasure we get instantly. But why are instant noodles that people cook more delicious than what we cook ourselves? Even though we don't spend the energy on it. There are two things i believe in how we try to get something is by paying with money or time. The choice is up to us.
- Always being right. People who always want to look right shut themselves off to know the real truth. Blocking ourselves from learning to accept our inner mistakes and opportunities for growth.
- Staying positive. There is friend of mine who often tell me "Mit, i want to always be positive like you" i want to say that my positive response is the result of overthinking and actually my positive response is sometimes just a reaction to strengthen myself or those around me. This is a problem for me. In this book, it is explained that always having a positive attitude is a denial of negative emotions which makes it difficult for us to move on. In this life, it is very natural that the reality is not in line with our plans and expectations which makes us upset, disappointed, hurt, lost, and whatever emotional instability.
As I said earlier that if you are happy be happy, if you are sad, cry, and if you are angry, please express your irritation in an acceptable way. There's nothing wrong with being angry, what's wrong is the wrong way of expressing anger itself.
When we force ourselves to stay positive we shut down our chances of experiencing emotional experiences and shut down opportunities to solve those problems. This is also one of the things i am struggling within myself.
5. We are always choosing
When we choose our way of life, we are ready to face whatever problems we will face there. But when a problem comes unexpectedly and goes against our goals, we will become victims and feel sad. I understand this as if there is a lack between expectations and the reality of the life goals we have chosen, then we are again faced with choices. After making a decision, we are faced with another choices. As in the first part i described so many examples of our life choices and each choice will definitely cause problems. We will only choose which problems we want to face.
In the troubles i face i choose to stay and try to hold on to what i have chosen, I don't care what the outcome is. It is very natural for me to expect something good, but if later i fail, at least i have tried and not just let go and accept the situation. We are personally responsible for all the decisions we have made, for everything in our life, no matter what conditions are outside of us. We choose our path consciously, take responsibility and control consciously, or we interpret/respond to our life problems consciously. Choosing not to care is also a response. That way we become focused on our goals and don't see others as inferior or luckier to us.
No matter how ignorant we are, surely we have something to care about. Which priority will we choose to pay attention to? What do we want to care about? What values do we choose to base us in responding to problems that arise as a result of our life choices? What measures do we use to measure the value of our happiness, Are our choices right?
6. We are wrong about everything
Be careful for what you believe. This is one of the sections in this chapter that i gave a highlighter to. Everyone has a different point of view. Like me when reading this book and also my fellow readers who also read the book and my writings. Our greatest priority is influenced by our experiences to produce different responses and points of view. You can share the values that you believe in and that influence your life experience but don't force someone to believe in them or have the same response as you. If you are the type of person who when asked to tell directly about it, then don't expect other people to be like you. I believe in you, you don't necessarily believe in me. In an environment/group of friends too. We become close because we have some things in common. Same topic, same habits but not all the same things. I believe our responses to each other are different, the degree of your trust to each other is different even though we are in the same group of friends. My friends, there is one sentence that i keep on my mind for years and it is quite difficult for me to do, "what is good in my opinion is not necessarily good for people". Everyone has certain reasons for deciding and judging something based on their experiences. So, in this world, right or wrong is relative.
7. Failure is the fuel for us to be better than we were before
"Express my self honestly to others". When we are who we are, every new conversation, every new relationship, brings new challenges and opportunities to express ourselves honestly. This learning of the value of life will continue throughout our life. Create your own standard of happiness. When you fail, then you will try to get up again to achieve what makes you happy, not what makes people impressed with our achievements.
In the section "suffering is a process" the author tells the story of a Polish psychologist named Kazimierz Dabrowski researching World War II survivors, they believe that the suffering of war traumatized them but made them better, responsible and happier people. The principle of "do something" taught me that i do not always look at things only from the positive side and accept the circumstances when i failed. Whatever the end result, do something first, at least i try to maintain the values i believe in.
8. The importance of saying "no"
You have no obligation to always say yes to anything that comes your way. We also don't have the obligation to be liked by everyone because we don't like everyone anyway. Whatever other people think of us is beyond our responsibility and our control. So, focus on yourself. The fact that when we can say no, we can also understand and accept when we experience rejection and that makes life better. If we have been selective in choosing our values and say no to the values that people believe in, then we can also accept people's differences of opinion on us.
Boundaries. In our relationships with other people we have boundaries. Understand those boundaries. Don't force the value of your life on people. Our culture that is too socialist eventually makes us stale and excessive, when will you get married? When to have children? When you will graduate? Have you graduated why haven't you worked? You have daughter, when you will have boy and the opposite? Not everyone can be open to everyone for personal matters like the previous question.
My dear readers don't realize i have written 7 pages and i hope you can spend your time reading this book because there are so many values that you can find in this book. For friends who have read this book, i really appreciate if anyone wants to share your experiences reading this book in the comments section bellow.
Love,
Mita's
Setiabudi, 31 December 2020
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